


The Qsical

by Saša Q (Sasa_Q)



Category: Star Trek: The Next Generation
Genre: M/M, Musical, Screenplay/Script Format
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-02
Updated: 2020-08-30
Packaged: 2021-03-05 22:47:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 17
Words: 14,348
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25663102
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sasa_Q/pseuds/Sa%C5%A1a%20Q
Summary: Q has three days to convince Captain Jean-Luc Picard to give up his life as a mortal and become a Q. Chaos ensues... in musical form.
Relationships: Jean-Luc Picard/Q
Comments: 88
Kudos: 49





	1. Author's Note and Character Descriptions

THE QSICAL by Saša Q

AUTHOR'S NOTE  
This musical takes place somewhere in Season 6 of Star Trek: The Next Generation, more specifically after S6E06 ("True Q") but before S6E15 ("Tapestry"). 

CAST OF CHARACTERS  
Q: An immortal, omnipotent entity. A trickster who thinks himself better than mortals, especially humanity. But he has a weakness, and that weakness has a name: Jean-Luc Picard. Ever since Q met the man, he's been fascinated with Picard, and despite Q's feelings about humanity, he's found himself quite in love with the captain of the Enterprise. Q is full of a lot of conflicting emotions and a need to be in control of himself and those around him, which can cause trouble. He has a lot of self-assurance and can be rather flamboyant at times. He can do anything and he knows it. He's not used to the feeling of shame. He has a conflicting history of many years with Captain Picard. On their first meeting, he put Picard on trial for the crimes of the human race. On his other meetings, among other things, he's appeared powerless, asking to join Picard's crew, introduced the Enterprise to the threat of the Borg, killing several crew members, and put Picard and his senior staff in a Robin Hood fantasy scenario. Q chooses to appear as a human man. Q spends most of his time wearing a red Starfleet captain's uniform.

Captain Jean-Luc Picard: The captain of the USS Enterprise. A man with many loves, including his crew, archaeology, Shakespeare. One thing he doesn't love is Q. They two have been enemies since they first met. Q is the cause for a lot of Picard's troubles. But for some reason, Q is attracted to him. Picard is firmly against Q and everything he does. He's a passionate man who, when he gets the chance, likes to talk and make speeches. He's a man with a level head, but Q really gets under his skin. He's a bald/balding man with a British accent (despite being a Frenchman). For the majority of the musical, he wears a red Starfleet captain's uniform.

Commander William T. Riker: The Enterprise's first officer, the second in command. A man who is loyal to his captain, but not afraid to speak his opinion. A tall, bearded man who wears a red Starfleet uniform with a habit of sitting down in a strange way, leaning on things, and putting his leg on things.

Dr. Beverly Crusher: The Enterprise's chief medical officer. An intelligent woman and a dear friend of Jean-Luc Picard. A woman with red hair who wears a Starfleet doctor's uniform. She also wears a long blue coat. 

Lieutenant Commander Data: The android third-in-command of the Enterprise. Has no emotions, or at least claims not to. A good friend of Geordi La Forge. Like Q, he is set apart from humanity, but unlike Q, he actually wants to be human. He is a man of little expression who wears a gold Starfleet uniform. His skin is a pale white and his hair is perfectly slicked in place.

Lieutenant Worf: The Klingon chief of security of the Enterprise. A man who places great value on dignity and honor who believes Q has neither. Has a ridged forehead and long dark hair he wears pulled back. Out of respect for the character and the actor who played him, this character should be played by a Black actor. Worf wears a gold Starfleet uniform with a baldric. 

Counselor Deanna Troi: The half-Betazoid ship's counselor of the Enterprise. Is an empath who can read emotions and tell if someone is lying, but who cannot read Q's emotions. A knowing, and kind, woman with a romantic past with Riker. She has elaborate, curly dark hair, and she wears a blue Starfleet uniform.

Lieutenant Commander Geordi La Forge: The Enterprise's chief engineer. A bright man with a love for engineering and a good friendship with Data. La Forge is blind, and wears a VISOR, which goes over his eyes. He has short hair and wears a gold Starfleet uniform. Out of respect for the character and the actor who played him, this character should be played by a Black actor.

Guinan: An El-Aurian bartender at the Enterprise's ten-forward lounge. She has a veiled past, but it is known that her past involves Q, and that she strongly dislikes him. El-Aurians are a race of listeners, and in her role as bartender, she does a lot of listening. A good friend of Jean-Luc Picard. A woman who likes wearing large hats. She wears an outfit that matches her hat. Out of respect for the character and the actor who played her, this character should be played by a Black actor.

The other Qs: Qs #2, #3, #4, and #5. Q's family, as it were, in the Q Continuum. His fellow Qs, although they are but a few members of the Continuum. They are all omnipotent and immortal. It does not matter what gender these Qs are, or what they look like. They all wear various historical costumes.


	2. Act 1 Scene 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Q's emotions for Captain Picard cause a stir in the Continuum.

Act 1, Scene 1  
(We're somewhere in the stars. The stage is blank, and the light is dim, but grows stronger, revealing four figures dressed in various historical costumes; these are (some of) the members of the Q Continuum. But there's one other, "our" Q, wearing a captain's Starfleet uniform, preferably with as many ranking pips as humanly possible on his collar.)

THE CONTINUUM SONG  
All Qs:  
Hello, you, we are the Q  
We do whatever we wanna do  
We're immortal, omnipotent, and all-knowing  
We're the best species in the universe and it's showing  
We're the definition of complexity  
Using our awesome powers in this galaxy  
We try not to meddle with humanity  
The Borg, Cardassians, Bajorans, or even the Ferengi  
We do what must be done as all-powerful entities

All Qs:  
This is the Continuum song  
It's about infinity millennia long  
No matter what you say or try or do  
It's Q and Q and Q and Q and Q

The other Qs:  
Qs don't get attached to mortals  
They all just die eventually

Q #2: Hey Q, isn't that right?

Q: ... yeah, sure

The other Qs:  
Mortals are just the worst!  
Mortals are inferior  
They don't have powers like us

Q: Wait a minute, you guys

Q #3: Hold up, everyone, listen to Q!

Q: Maybe mortals aren't that bad  
In fact, I know a mortal who's kind of great

Q #4: Oh no, he's going to talk about Picard again!

Q: Picard is great! I like him a lot!  
He's the coolest starship captain in the galaxy  
I like him and he hates me

Q #5: Haha, Q's in it deep!

Q: I mean... he's okay, I guess.

The Other Qs:  
Oh, Q, you've done it now!

All Qs:  
This is the Continuum song  
It's about infinity millennia long  
No matter what you say or try or do  
It's Q and Q and Q and Q and Q

Q: I know it might be hard to understand  
I think Picard is just the best at hand  
He's a mortal, but he's better than that, you know?  
He doesn't deserve to die like mortals do

The other Qs:  
Okay, we get it, you like Picard  
And we know that saying that might be hard

Q: I was worried you'd think less of me!

Q #2: Well, we do!  
But we're used to you screwing up.

Q: Oh.

The other Qs:  
Well, if you like Picard so much  
We give you permission, and as such  
We bequeath the perilous task upon you  
To make Jean-Luc Picard a Q

Q: You really mean it?

The other Qs: Sure we mean it!

Q: Oh boy!

All Qs:  
This is the Continuum song  
It's about infinity millennia long  
No matter what you say or try or do  
It's Q and Q and Q and Q and Q

Q: And soon, Picard too!

(The Qs pose for a moment, then return to normal.)

Q: I had better get to the Enterprise. See you all later!  
Q #2: Wait a minute, Q. There are some rules.  
Q: Rules? Well, that's no fun.  
Q #3: First of all, you have three days to turn Picard into a Q.  
Q: Three days? Why would I need three days? I could do it in an instant! I could do it right now, in fact! I-  
Q #4: That's the other thing. You need to get his permission before you turn him into a Q.  
Q: That makes sense. Consent is important.  
Q #5: The three days start now! Good luck, Q.  
The other Qs: Good luck, Q!  
Q: Thanks!  
The other Qs: DON'T SCREW IT UP!

(There is a flash of bright light, and our Q disappears, leaving Qs #2, #3, #4, and #5.)

Q #3: He's going to screw it up, isn't he?  
Q #5: Oh, definitely.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! What do you think of it so far? I know it's just words and no audio, but I do have a tune for this song and the others to follow. (I'm working on sheet music right now!) The next update will be soon because I have the whole musical finished.


	3. Act 1 Scene 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Q gives Picard his offer.

Act 1, Scene 2  
(We're on the starship Enterprise in what appears to be Captain Jean-Luc Picard's ready room. There is a desk and a chair behind it, and there is also a couch. However, we can only see Picard, who stands by the couch. The desk and chair are in darkness.)

(Picard speaks in a British accent... even though he's French.)

Picard: Computer, lights.

(The computer does not turn on the lights.)

Picard, louder: Computer, lights.

(The computer does not turn on the lights.)

Picard, getting frustrated now: I said, computer, lights!

(The lights come up to reveal our Q sitting in the chair behind the desk, his feet on the desk, looking quite pleased with himself.)

Q: Mon capitaine! It's so lovely to see you again. You're looking great. Did you miss me?

(Picard sighs.)

Picard: No, for your information, I did not miss you. Now, get out of my chair. 

(Q gets out of the chair and the two of them trade positions, Q standing in front of the desk, Picard sitting at the chair behind the desk.)

Picard: Well, you might as well not beat around the bush. Why are you here?  
Q: Do I even need a reason other than I wanted to see you?  
Picard: Yes. Yes, you need a reason. Now tell me why you’re here.  
Q: I missed the Enterprise! And I missed you!  
Picard: Come now, Q, I know that’s not the only reason why you’re here. Just get it over with and tell me.  
Q: Fine, fine. You’re no fun, Jean-Luc. The Q Continuum sent me.  
Picard: Mon dieu. What is it this time? The Borg are going to attack again? The Continuum has decided that it’s time for the end of Earth?  
Q: Nothing so trivial. I actually have a proposal for you.  
Picard: Not again, Q. I told you already, I won’t marry you.  
Q: Not that kind of a proposal! Although it does pain me that you won’t say yes.   
Picard: What kind of proposal?  
Q: Well, it’s a bit complicated. Let’s start at the beginning.

AN OFFER  
Q: Hello, Jean-Luc, are you doing well?  
There are so many things I need to tell  
You, about how things are going to be  
From this moment on, between you and me

Is it okay that I won't give in?  
Being a Q, I feel I've always got to win  
I come to you with an offer now  
Please don't take offense or wonder why or how

Cause I've gotten an offer for you, Jean-Luc  
One you're sure to take  
I've got an offer for you, Jean-Luc  
A promise I won't break

Jean-Luc Picard, I speak now to you  
Have you ever wondered how it feels to  
Be omnipotent and travel through  
Time and space and to be a Q?

Yes, you're correct, you heard me right  
My giving nature has begun to see the light  
So what do you say? What do you want me to do?  
I'm telling the truth, I want to make you a Q

Cause I've got an offer for you, Jean-Luc  
One you're sure to take  
I've got an offer for you, Jean-Luc  
A promise I won't break  
Cause with you as a Q  
We could accomplish anything  
Take my offer, Jean-Luc  
I promise it'll be worth it

I'll give you three days to make your choice  
You needn't do more than just raise your voice  
I'm so excited for this next thing  
Being a Q, you'll be better than a king

Unlimited power, unlimited dreams  
No worries at all, better yet than it seems  
The only thing better than being a Q  
Is how much time we'll spend, me and you

Cause I've got an offer for you, Jean-Luc  
One you're sure to take  
I've got an offer for you, Jean-Luc  
A promise I won't break  
Oh I've got an offer for you, Jean-Luc  
I hope you're listening well  
Yeah I've got an offer for you, Jean-Luc  
And that's all I can tell  
Cause with you as a Q  
We could accomplish anything  
Two Qs, me and you  
You can thank me later  
Take my offer, Jean-Luc  
I promise it'll be worth it

Q: So you see, Jean-Luc? You have three days to decide if you want to become a Q. Now, I ought to go and tell the Continuum I met with you.  
Picard: Q-  
Q: Don't worry, you don't have to tell me now.

(Picard stands and moves out from behind his desk.)

Picard: Q, this is a huge decision. I only have three days to decide if I want to become immortal and omnipotent?  
Q: Oh believe me, mon capitaine, three days isn’t a lot of time. For me, it’s even less than a blink of an eye.   
Picard: Very well. In three days, I will give you my decision.  
Q: Excellent!

(Q enthusiastically hugs Picard, who just kind of freezes up.)

Picard: Q, let go of me.

(Q lets Picard go, although he doesn't want to.)

Q: Right, sorry. See you later!

(There is a flash of bright white light, and Q disappears, leaving Picard alone in his ready room with a big decision to make. The lights go down.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! What did you think of Act 1, Scene 2? :)


	4. Act 1 Scene 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Picard holds an emergency meeting with his senior staff about Q's proposal.

Act 1, Scene 3  
(We're in the conference room. There's a long table. La Forge, Data, Riker, Crusher, Worf, and Troi sit at the table. They are all wearing their appropriate Starfleet uniforms. They are Picard's 'senior staff'. Picard sits at a chair at the center of the table.)

Troi: Why have you called us here, captain?

(Picard stands, adjusts his shirt in the classic Picard manner, and begins to sing.)

HE'S BACK  
Picard: Listen up, everyone, I've got some news for you  
I've just received a visit from none other than Q  
He's come to me with an offer that I just can't refuse

Riker: Has he come to start a war?

Crusher: Did he ask to marry you?

Picard: Actually, no, he wants to make me a Q

Picard and senior staff:  
Every day aboard the starship Enterprise  
It's not all nebulae and starry skies  
But when Q arrives, we miss the days  
Of killer probes and cosmic haze  
He's done so much, and affected us all  
We hope every day that he will take a fall  
He's put us through so much, he's put us through hell  
He put us on trial for all the crimes humanity could tell  
Remember when he put us through that awful Borg attack?

Worf: He is back

Crusher: He's back

La Forge: He's back

Data: He is back

Troi: He's back

Riker: He's back

Picard: He's back

Troi: I sense you're troubled, captain  
About Q's proposition  
Want to talk about it?

Picard: I'm confused and conflicted  
About Q's proposition  
Imagine it, me, a Q!

Data: Captain, this incident is problematic. Q has not visited us for one month, eight days, and fifteen hours. Thirty-seven minutes, twenty-three seconds-

Picard: Data, no need to be so specific.

Data: What I am attempting to say is that Q usually waits a year or so to bother us. His premature visit is highly unusual. This cannot be good.

Worf: He is back

Crusher: He's back

La Forge: He's back

Data: He is back

Troi: He's back

Riker: He's back

Picard: He's back

Worf: Captain, if I may say  
Every day Q visits is an awful day  
He has clearly got something up his sleeve  
To make you a Q, I cannot even believe

La Forge: He's got a point, captain  
Q can't possibly want this to happen  
Remember when he turned Will into a Q?  
That was awful, he made a mistake, why'd he do it to you?

Worf: He is back

Crusher: He's back

La Forge: He's back

Data: He is back

Troi: He's back

Riker: He's back

Picard: He's back

Crusher: Q? I can believe it  
He's been after you for years  
At least this time, he's trying to give you a gift  
Instead of playing on your fears

Picard: Perhaps he actually is, I really don't know  
The point of it is, I can't allow it to be so  
Number one, send a message to Starfleet Command  
Let them know the matters at hand

Riker: Done and done, captain  
Well, I can believe that this would happen  
Q is trying to get on your nerves as usual  
He's just doing it in a way that might be abnormal  
I can't believe this opportunity for you is a gift  
He's just trying to get you interested, if you catch my drift

Troi: I think we all know what Q is interested in.

Crusher: More like WHO Q is interested in.

(The senior staff all share a laugh. Crusher and Troi high five. Picard glares.)

Picard: The point is, Q has returned, like it or not  
Let's try not to worry, don't give it a thought

Worf: Captain, when I say this, I think I speak for us all  
Our loyalty to you is beyond one subspace call  
We will do whatever we need to do  
We promise that we'll get rid of Q

Picard and senior staff:  
Every day aboard the starship Enterprise  
It's not all nebulae and starry skies  
But when Q arrives, we miss the days  
Of killer probes and cosmic haze  
He's done so much, and affected us all  
We hope every day that he will take a fall  
He's put us through so much, he's put us through hell  
He put us on trial for all the crimes humanity could tell  
Remember when he put us through that awful Borg attack?

Worf: He is back

Crusher: He's back

La Forge: He's back

Data: He is back

Troi: He's back

Riker: He's back

Picard: He's back

Picard and senior staff:  
He's back!

Data: You are not going to say yes, are you, captain?  
Riker: You had better not say yes.  
Picard: Of course I won't say yes. I’m fine as a human, thank you very much.  
Troi, knowingly: But...?  
Picard: But... I can’t say I’m not tempted. Being a Q would make me all-knowing, omnipotent, and immortal. I would be able to do anything. Think of all the exploration throughout the galaxy- even outside of the galaxy! I could travel thousands of light years just by snapping my fingers! Think of it, a Q Starfleet captain!  
La Forge: I don’t know, captain. Think of the kind of person... being... thing... that Q is. Would you really want to be anything like him?  
Worf: I agree. If you were anything like Q I would not want you to be my captain.

(beat)

Worf: I said 'if'.  
Picard, sighing: I know. That’s why I’ve decided not to accept his offer, however tempting it may be. This meeting is adjourned. If there are any further developments, I will let you all know immediately.

(The lights go down on the conference room.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! What did you think of this scene? :)


	5. Act 1 Scene 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Q pays a visit to Picard at night, and Picard does something thinking about his proposal.

Act 1, Scene 4  
(We are in Picard's quarters. He's off shift. There is a bed and several books on a table. Picard is lying in bed in his pajamas reading "A Midsummer Night's Dream" aloud.)

Picard: "And here my mistress. Would that he were gone!"

(Q enters, also wearing pajamas. Picard sits up.)

Picard, dryly: "Ill met by moonlight, proud Titania."  
Q: Reading Shakespeare again? Strange, last time I dressed up as a fairy queen for you, you told me that I-

(imitating Picard)

Q: -"made you want to gouge out your eyes" and "Q, put on some pants!"

(Picard sets down the book.)

Picard: Well? Why are you here this time?  
Q: I listened in on your meeting with your senior staff. I didn't know you thought so highly of me!  
Picard, warningly: Q...  
Q: I must say, I’m pleased to have created some inner conflict in you. I’m glad you’re thinking of my proposal seriously.  
Picard: You must have misheard me, Q. In my meeting I said I wanted to stay human.  
Q: Oh come now, Jean-Luc, we both know you better than that. You’re intrigued! You’re thinking about navigating the galaxy in the blink of an eye! You’re thinking about those exceedingly dull ancient ruins you’ve always wanted to visit!

(Q advances on Picard)

Q: We could visit them together.  
Picard: Q, just let me sleep.  
Q: Fine, fine. You're no fun, Jean-Luc.

(Q leaves the room, leaving Picard alone in bed and full of questions. Picard gets out of bed and looks around the room for Q to make sure he's really gone. This is a failed endeavor, as Q could be invisible if he wanted to be.)

Picard: Damn it, he's right.

IF I WERE A Q  
Picard:  
If I were a Q  
I would rule France  
I wouldn't look stupid when I dance  
If I were a Q  
I would meet Shakespeare  
Oh my God, I would meet Shakespeare!!!  
If I were a Q  
I would heal the galaxy's problems  
One by one I'd solve them  
If I were a Q  
I'd be above human needs  
I'd tear them out like weeds  
If I were a Q

But being omnipotent isn't that fun  
When you want a thing done, it just gets done  
There's no aim or purpose in life  
Even without trouble and strife  
If I were a Q, I'd lose my soul and my heart  
I'd be a god with worlds apart  
Is it really worth it to be a Q  
If you don't do the things humans do?

But if I were a Q  
I would be an admiral  
I'd... know what rhymes with admiral  
If I were a Q  
I would run Starfleet  
Wouldn't that be neat  
If I were a Q  
I'd travel back in time  
Drink thousand-year-old wine  
If I were a Q  
I'd read all of the books (all of them!)  
Hang nebulae on hooks  
If I were a Q

But being all-knowing has its downsides  
You treat humans like they're no more than flies  
There's no point to any of your actions  
When you control everyone's reactions  
If I were a Q, there'd be no point in living  
There's only taking and no one giving  
Is it really worth it to be a Q  
If your life's full of misery, too?

But if I were a Q  
I would be a king  
I could do anything  
If I were a Q  
I wouldn't worry at all  
I'd be six foot eight tall  
If I were a Q  
I would go to warp 11  
I'd divide my troubles by seven  
If I were a Q  
I wouldn't need to eat  
Or have sore feet  
If I were a Q

But being immortal isn't all it's cracked up to be  
You live forever, but would you be happy?  
You'd watch all your mortal friends slowly die  
You'd be disconnected from the world on high  
If I were a Q, I would miss my mortal friends  
Maybe that's just a means to my ends  
Is it really worth it to be a Q  
If you're alone and feeling blue?

If I were a Q, I'd be miserable  
Let's face it  
I'd be untouched and untouchable  
All the things I love about life would go away  
But my body wouldn't decay  
No, I'd be alive and feel worthless  
With no one to talk to but Q  
Which is exactly what he wants me to do!  
No, I'll never be a Q

(Picard sits back down in bed.)

Picard: Q, if you're listening, I hope you're happy.

(Q neglects to reply. Picard sighs.)

Picard: By the time I wake up tomorrow, I'll have two more days to decide. Goodnight, Q.

(Picard lays down and falls asleep. After a moment, Q creeps into the room. He stops beside Picard's bedside.)

Q, softly: Goodnight, Jean-Luc.

(The lights go down as Q looks down at Picard.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Get ready for some angst/pondering/unrequited love in the next few scenes!  
> What did you think of Act 1, Scene 4? :)


	6. Act 1 Scene 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Q Continuum, as usual, disapproves of Q's feelings for Picard.

Act 1, Scene 5  
(We're somewhere in the stars again, at the Q Continuum. Qs #2, #3, #4, and #5 are standing about.)

Q #2: Did you hear him back there with Picard?  
Q #3: Isn’t he absolutely disgusting?  
Q #4: I don’t understand what he sees in that human.  
Q #5: I don't understand what he sees in humans at all.  
Q #2: Do you think we made a mistake, telling him to turn Picard into a Q?  
Q #4: Not at all. Q is such a screw-up, he’ll never be able to convince Picard.  
Q #3: But what if he does? Then we’ll have a new Q on our hands!  
Q #5: Don’t worry, Qs. Q will never be able to convince Picard.

(They stand there just thinking for a moment. Then one of them says-)

Q #4: Did you hear the way he said-

(imitating our Q)

Q #4: -“goodnight, Jean-Luc”?  
Q #3: Ugh! Disgusting!  
Q #2: He really likes him! I can’t believe it.  
Q #5: Oh, I can believe it.

(Q appears, wearing his Starfleet uniform again.)

Q: I heard you talking about me!

(He is wounded.)

Q: You really think I'm disgusting?  
Q #2: Listen, Q. It’s... unnatural. A Q liking a mortal, especially a human? It’s unheard of!  
Q #3: It’s just not what we intended for it to be. We’re above mortals! Liking one is like... a human falling in love with an ant!  
Q: I never said I was in love with him.  
Q #4: You didn't HAVE to say it.  
Q #5: Listen, just do your best not to disgrace the name of Q.  
Q: Disgrace the name of Q? I don’t understand!? What’s so wrong about me liking a mortal?

(No one feels like answering him.)

Q, stubbornly: Fine! I’ll show you- when I convince Picard to be a Q!

(Q marches out and the lights go down.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A bit of a short scene, and one of the few without a song, so sorry about that. Next chapter is going to be pretty emotional, as we see Q react to the Continuum's disapproval.  
> What do you think so far? :)


	7. Act 1 Scene 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Q is conflicted about his feelings for Picard.

Act 1, Scene 6  
(The stage is quite empty. We're in the Continuum, but a different part of it. Q stands on the stage, looking very alone and reflecting on his situation.)

Q, confused and desperate: They think I love Picard. ...do I really love him?

(Beat. Deep down, he knows he does.)

Q: But Qs aren't supposed to feel this way- especially for mortals! There must be something wrong with me! There's got to be! Am I... Am I really disgracing the name of Q?

(He can't talk any longer- so he starts to sing.)

LOVE IS A THING THAT MORTALS DO  
Q:  
What do you say  
When you love someone?  
Put it away  
That feeling of glory and pain  
You have when he's near

How do you do  
If I tell you that  
I'm just a Q?  
And you're just a man, I'm like you  
Except I'm a god

Are you afraid  
That I'm too much?  
Price has been paid  
And we're so apart, if we may  
May we have something here?

But you're just a mortal and I am above  
We're not versed in things like passion or love  
You make me feel good and I hope for the best  
Sometimes I picture your hand on my-

(He pauses, unable to bring himself to even say the word 'chest')

Q:   
Stop thinking about him right now, Q  
Love is a thing that mortals do

What do I say?  
If you make me feel  
Happy and... well.  
If you give me a chance and you say  
We're going to be fine?

Do you feel all right?  
Would you consider  
Spending the night  
With me and you if that sounds right?  
I'm glad if you are

But love is strange  
It makes me want  
To make a change  
Unfamiliar to my range  
Of carefully curated emotions

But Qs are so different than mortals so much  
I've got to regain my composure as such  
We're better than mortals and that means we are  
Supposed to be higher beings even than the stars  
But nothing is better than me being with you  
Love is a thing that mortals do

You're a great man  
You make me want  
To take your hand  
You're mon capitaine  
I wish you were mine

Give me a chance  
You make  
My heart want to dance  
I love your gentle French hands  
Please take them in mine

So this is how  
We fall apart  
Here and the now  
We're more than friends, let's take a vow  
To make some things clear

(The other members of the Q Continuum enter on either side of Q)

Q:  
You'll never tell me what I want to hear  
Despite everything, I want you to be near  
Qs are supposed to be the epitome of it all  
I feel as though I'm about to take a fall

(The other Qs surround Q closely, almost aggressively, and say along with him-)

All Qs:  
Get a grip, get a grip, get a grip, Q  
Because love is a thing  
Love is a thing  
Love is a thing that mortals do.

(The lights go down on the Continuum.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I would say this is the most emotional chapter so far! Q's definitely having some feelings, and he's not sure what to do with them.   
> A few cut lyrics- In the original script, Q says, "We're not versed in things like sex or like love", and also "You make me feel happy and gay". Were the changes for the better? You'll have to let me know, haha.  
> What do you think about the scene? :)


	8. Act 1 Scene 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Picard and Q have a talk.

Act 1, Scene 7  
(We're on the starship Enterprise in Captain Picard's ready room again. Picard sits in the chair behind the desk, wearing his Starfleet uniform. Q walks in and lays down on the couch. He's acting confident, but he still feels just as insecure as he felt in the previous scene. He's gotten good at hiding it by now.)

Q: Hello, Jean-Luc! You wanted to see me?  
Picard: I never said I wanted to see you.  
Q: Oh, I could just tell. I am all-knowing, you know.  
Picard, sighing: Yes, I know.

(Picard stands.)

Picard: Q, I wanted to talk to you.  
Q, standing: Aha! I knew it!  
Picard, warningly: Q.  
Q: Well, talk away, I'm all ears!  
Picard: You see, Q, I think I haven't made myself clear.

(The senior staff enters from either side on cue.)

HEY Q  
Picard: Hello, Q, my enemy  
It's time for a talk, just you and me  
You've got things all twisted up in your head  
We're up in arms, not in a bed

Picard: You'd destroy the world if you had the chance-

Q: Not true!

Picard: Hey Q

Senior staff: Hey Q, hey Q

Picard: You're infuriating  
You disgust me  
Hey Q

Senior staff: Hey Q, hey Q

Picard: You're insane  
Do you even have a brain  
Hey Q

Senior staff: Hey Q, hey Q

Q: Jean-Luc, I'm offended. My IQ is 2005. I can't believe you said that. Oh, wait, yes I can, because you're completely caught up in the idiotic mindset that I'm a horrible person.

Picard: That's because you are!

Picard: I hate your eyes  
It's no surprise  
You've made me realize  
Hey Q

Senior staff: Hey Q, hey Q

Picard: That you're a mess  
If I were a Klingon, I'd invoke Kahless  
Hey Q

Senior staff: Hey Q, hey Q

Picard: Q, you're so weird  
You're worse than Riker without a beard  
Hey Q

Riker: Hey!

Senior staff, minus Riker: Hey Q

Picard: Q, you make me understand  
That I would rather chop off my hand  
Than benefit you at any cost  
All my morals would be lost  
Hey Q

Senior staff: Hey Q, hey Q

Q: You're being rude  
You're putting me in a mood

Picard: Good!  
Hey Q

Senior staff: Hey Q, hey Q

Picard: Q, the way you make me feel  
I sometimes wish that you weren't real  
Hey Q

Senior staff: Hey Q, hey Q

Q: Jean-Luc, I'm as real as they come  
Let your doubts become undone  
Unfortunately for you, I am quite real  
And I know just how that makes you feel

Picard: You're correct, I don't like you  
Out of all I've met, you're the worst Q  
Hey Q

Senior staff: Hey Q, hey Q

Picard: You're insufferable  
You're awful  
Hey Q

Senior staff: Hey Q, hey Q

Picard: You make me see  
You're far worse than me  
Hey Q

Senior staff: Hey Q, hey Q

Picard: Q, we've been at each other's throats for years  
To the mixed approval of our peers  
You tried to ruin my first mission with the Enterprise  
You're even more annoying than I first realized  
Hey Q

Senior staff: Hey Q, hey Q

Picard: I'd rather have you as my enemy  
You're one of the worst things that's ever happened to me  
Hey Q

Senior staff: Hey Q, hey Q

Q: Jean-Luc, I assure you, I'm not that bad  
And I think, inside, you're glad  
That I'm alive, your enemy, Q  
To give your ship something to do

Picard: Not a chance  
Don't give me that glance  
Hey Q

Senior staff: Hey Q, hey Q

Picard: To be with you would be a curse  
I can't think of anything worse  
Than to trek with you among the stars  
I'd rather be on Vulcan, Cardassia, or Mars  
Hey Q

Senior staff: Hey Q, hey Q

Q: Jean-Luc, you've offended me  
I can't think of where I'd rather be  
Than to be forever at your side  
If you'll be the groom, I'll be the bride

Picard: Oh, Q, you don't need to pretend  
I'm more than a means to your end  
You're clueless and you're depraved  
You'd better learn to behave  
Hey Q

Senior staff: Hey Q, hey Q

Picard: If you want to be  
Forever with me  
Hey Q

Senior staff: Hey Q, hey Q

Q: Picard, are you saying you'd consider my proposal??

Picard: Picture you and me  
Would you be happy?  
Hey Q

Senior staff: Hey Q, hey Q

Q: Of course I'd be more than overjoyed  
Especially if, for once, you weren't annoyed  
With me and my behaviors thus  
Could you please tell me more about us?

Picard: I'd be a Q  
And I'd be with you  
Hey Q

Senior staff: Hey Q, hey Q

Picard: We would be   
Together eternally  
Hey Q

Senior staff: Hey Q, hey Q

Picard: We'd put every empire in the galaxy to shame  
And there would be no one to blame  
For the way we'd rule the universe  
And we'd laugh and say-

(Q and Picard look and point at each other as they say-)

Q and Picard: "Mortals are just the worst!"

Q: You know, Jean-Luc, the tapestry you weave  
You make me feel I can believe  
That we would be great together  
Together for forever

Picard: Oh? You like that idea?

Q: I love it!

Picard: Well, that's too bad, because it's never going to happen! For once, it appears I'VE fooled YOU!

Q, injured: Mon capitaine! Why would you even try to trick me like that? You wound me!

Picard: Good!

Picard: You're an awful man  
I can't understand  
How you exist  
If you left, you wouldn't be missed  
You make me irate  
You make me full of hate  
You're horrible  
Your face is punchable  
I'd never want to be with you  
As a mortal or a Q  
Hey Q!

(The senior staff walks out as quickly as they came.)

Q: Well, I don't care what you have to say! 

(He obviously cares a lot.)

Q: You're going to accept my offer. I know you will. 

(Almost accusingly-)

Q: And by the way, you look nice today.

(Q storms out, leaving Picard alone in his ready room. Lights down.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A more lighthearted scene for you! What did you think?  
> I was debating not including the senior staff's "lines", since they're just acting as the chorus (as the other Qs will do in the parallel to the song in Act 2), but without them, there'd be no context for them being in the scene, much less Riker being offended about his beard, haha.  
> Next scene, ten forward... and Guinan!!!


	9. Act 1 Scene 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Picard pays a visit to ten forward to see his friend Guinan. Q, naturally, intrudes.

Act 1, Scene 8  
(We're in ten forward at the bar. There are a few members of the senior staff around. Behind the bar is Guinan, the barkeep. Picard enters and goes up to the bar. He's not here for a drink, but for conversation.)

Picard: Hello, Guinan.  
Guinan, without preamble: I understand Q is back on the Enterprise.  
Picard: Unfortunately so.  
Guinan: Any idea why?  
Picard, already tired of explaining: He wants to turn me into a Q.  
Guinan, without a beat: And you're going to say no.

(It isn't a question.)

Picard, hesitating: Well, I was thinking-  
Guinan: Jean-Luc, you know better! I keep telling you, Q isn't to be trusted. You don't even want to know what he did to my species.   
Picard: Actually, I do rather want to know.  
Guinan: Fine.

(He leans over the bar and whispers in his ear.)

Picard, horrified: Oh God.  
Guinan: I know.

(She polishes some of the empty glasses on the bar top.)

Guinan: I don't even know why you put up with Q.  
Picard: You get used to him.

(Q waltzes into ten forward)

Q: You get USED to me! Jean-Luc, that was practically a COMPLIMENT!  
Picard: Go away, Q. I want a private conversation with Guinan.  
Q: Oh, okay.

(Q cups his hands around his mouth and yells-)

Q: Everyone get out! Captain Picard wants to have a private conversation!

(Q has bewitched them with his powers. They clear out quickly.)

Picard, getting really frustrated now: Q, you know that's not what I meant.

(Q ignores him.)

Guinan: You see how annoying he is? Why would you ever want to be like him?   
Picard: Guinan, I-  
Guinan: Save it.

THIS IS MY FINAL WARNING  
Guinan:  
Q isn't to be trusted  
No matter what he may say  
When you make a move to help him  
You'll regret it the next day

I've had my share of experience  
With beings such as Q  
And everything that's happened  
Is something I'd never do

This is my final warning  
No matter what you do  
Remember this, remember always  
Never trust a Q

Sometimes I remember  
The things that Q has done  
He'd sooner die than be kind  
He'd sooner explode the sun

What Q has done is awful  
He's deceitful and he's rude  
He's never done an honest thing in his life  
And he's always in a mood

This is my final warning  
No matter what you do  
Remember this, remember always  
Never trust a Q

Q is such a bastard  
I can't see otherwise  
The way he acts is repulsive  
The smug look in his eyes

If you become a Q, then we're done  
I'll lose you as a friend  
Q'll have injured our relationship  
And there will be no end

This is my final warning  
No matter what you do  
Remember this, remember always  
Never trust a Q

Picard:  
I hear your final warning  
No matter what I do  
I'll remember it always

Guinan and Picard:  
Never trust a Q

(Q claps sarcastically.)

Q: Oh, that was very good, Guinan!  
Guinan: Listen to me, Jean-Luc. Don't say yes. I'm not going to tell you again.

(Picard looks back at Q, then back at Guinan.)

Picard: Thank you for your advice.

(Picard leaves ten forward.)

Q: Well, Guinan, it's just you and me now. How about you-

(He is interrupted by Guinan coming out from behind the bar with a sharp object, maybe even a bat'leth, in her hand.)

Guinan: That's right, Q. Just you and me.

(Q exits, walking backwards, pursued by Guinan. Offstage, we hear Q scream. Lights down.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had a fun time writing Guinan! You'd think that since I love Q so much, I would hate Guinan, but I think she's great. I had to give her her own song.   
> Next scene has not one but two songs, as Picard gives Q his decision. It also marks... the end of Act 1! Can you believe we're almost done with Act 1? I can't.  
> How did you like the scene?


	10. Act 1 Scene 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Picard gives Q his decision.

Act 1, Scene 9  
(We're in Picard's ready room again. Picard is sitting at the desk, and Q is on the couch.)

Q: You still have a day and a half to give me your decision! You don’t have to do things so quickly.  
Picard: I’ve made up my mind, and I wanted to tell you as soon as possible.

(Q stands up.)

Q: I’ve been looking forward to this moment forever!

I'LL MAKE IT SO  
Q: Well, Jean-Luc, the time has come  
The day is finally here  
You, my friend, remember this day  
Remember everything here

I know you're scared  
But your time has come  
You're about to be a Q  
Your human life is done

Just say the magic phrase  
Tell me what I want to know  
It's easy, just those three little words  
And I'll make it so

I appreciate you giving me a chance  
By listening to me  
Being a Q is the greatest thing ever  
Everything is free

Jean-Luc, I see you're being quiet  
Your mouth is noticeably shut  
You're just trying to get a rise out of me  
So Q Continuum, what's up?

Just say the magic phrase  
Tell me what I want to know  
It's easy, just those three little words  
And I'll make it so

I like the way you're listening  
To the things I say  
And the look in your eyes  
Makes me know there's no other way

Jean-Luc, it's really plain to see  
That the time has come  
Just tell me what to do  
And all of this will be done

Just say the magic phrase  
Tell me what I need to know  
It's easy, just those three little words  
And I'll make it so, so, so  
I'll make it so

Picard: Q, I’m ready to tell you my decision.

(Q claps excitedly.)

Q: Well, let’s hear it!

(Picard stands.)

NO (I SAID NO)  
Picard:  
This is a big day for me  
And a big day for you  
You're under the impression  
The Continuum will gain a new Q  
Q, you misunderstand  
The situation that's at hand  
You think that I'll say yes  
But is that really for the best?

Picard:  
You tell me to say yes and I'll make it so  
But no, no, no, I said no!  
No, no, no, no, no  
No, no, no, I said no!

Q: What!?!?!? Picard, you can't be serious  
Please just say you're trying to be mysterious  
You want to say yes, I know you really do!  
You really want to say, 'yes, please make me a Q'!  
Jean-Luc, I can't believe it, please just say you're joking  
I want a whiff of whatever you've been smoking

Picard:  
Q, I am not jesting  
When I say I mean no  
No matter how you try to convince me  
I'll never let your wish be so

Picard:  
You tell me to say yes and you'll make it so  
But no, no, no, I said no!  
No, no, no, no, no  
No, no, no, I said no!

Picard:  
I admit that I owe it you  
To tell you why I don't want to become a Q

Q: Well? I'm listening!

Picard: I am a human  
Was born a human  
Will die a human

Q: You don't have to die at all if you become a Q!

Picard, ignoring him:  
I'm going to remain human  
Whether you like it or not  
You'll sooner get consent  
From Data's cat, Spot  
Q, listen to me  
If you care at all  
I know as human  
I must seem quite small  
But I'm happy as a human  
Truly so  
You've just got to accept  
That I've said no

Picard:  
You tell me to say yes and you'll make it so  
But no, no, no, I said no!  
No, no, no, no, no  
No, no, no, I said no!

(They sing at the same time. Uppercase letters indicate Picard. Lowercase indicates Q.)

Q, IT'S A NO - stop rubbing it in  
YOU'LL NEVER MAKE IT SO - you'll change your mind  
Q, IT'S A NO - just give in  
Q, IT'S A NO AND THAT'S FINAL - take a bit of time  
Q, I SAID NO - you'll change your mind  
Q, I SAID NO - i know you will

(Q is devastated. He was sure Picard was going to say yes.)

Q, agitated: Jean-Luc, I can't believe this! You’re passing up the opportunity of a lifetime!  
Picard: My decision is final, Q.   
Q: Well- no, no it’s not! You still have a day and a half left out of the three days. I’m giving you that amount of time to change your mind. Which you will most certainly do.  
Picard: Q, I’m not going to change my mind.

(Picard stands and leaves. Q calls after him.)

Q: Jean-Luc! I don’t think you understand how important this is to me! Jean-Luc! Jean-Luc!

(Q hurries offstage after Picard as the lights go down.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> END OF ACT 1! I'm so excited to have gotten this far. (I say, as if I haven't written the whole musical already.)   
> Even though Picard has given Q his decision, the musical definitely doesn't end here! As Q says, Picard still has a day and a half to change his mind. And a lot can happen in a day and a half.  
> What did you think of this scene, and of Act 1? :)


	11. Act 2 Scene 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Picard and Q make the decision public.

Act 2, Scene 1  
(Lights up on stage right, where there are several chairs in which a few of the senior staff are sitting. Picard and the rest of his senior staff are standing. Stage left remains in the dark.)

Riker: Why did you call us all here, captain?  
Picard: I wanted to tell you all I’ve made my decision regarding Q.  
La Forge: I thought you still had more than a day to make your decision?  
Picard: I did. I just had to tell him before I had the chance to second-guess myself.  
Troi: And?

WELL? (WHAT DID YOU SAY?)  
Picard:  
I've brought you here because I want you to know  
That I've met with Q, my greatest foe  
And I know that you're all wondering what I had to say

Senior staff:  
Hey, hey  
Hey, hey, hey  
Hey, hey  
Hey, hey, hey  
Well? What did you say?!?

Picard:  
I looked him straight in the irritating face  
And for my answer you will have to brace  
I looked at him and I told him that my answer was no

Data: Excellent.  
Crusher: Good work, Jean-Luc.  
La Forge: I knew you'd say no.  
Worf: Thank you for saying no, captain.  
Troi: I sense you're happy with your decision.  
Riker: Congratulations on not becoming a Q!  
Picard: Thank you, thank you.

(Lights down on stage right, and lights up on stage left, where Q and Qs #2, #3, #4, and #5 all stand about in the Continuum.

Q #2: Back so soon, Q?  
Q #3: Don't tell me Picard has already made a decision.

(They all have the feeling he said no. They've known Q long enough to know that he wouldn't be able to convince Picard.)

Q: He has.

WELL? (WHAT DID HE SAY?)  
Q: I've brought you here because I want you to know  
That I know I've been taking all of this slow

Q #5: Actually, you've been taking all of this very quickly.

Q, ignoring them:  
You won't believe what happened when I met Picard  
I know you're all probably on your guard  
But I have something I need to tell you

The other Qs:  
Hey, hey  
Hey, hey, hey  
Hey, hey  
Hey, hey, hey  
Well? What did he say?!?

Q: Well, if you really must know

(He pauses and the Continuum braces themselves)

Q: PICARD SAID NO!!! HE ACTUALLY SAID NO!!! I CAN'T BELIEVE IT, HE SAID NO!!!  
Q #4: Don't feel too bad, Q.  
Q #5: After all, you tried your best.  
Q: He still has more than a day to change his decision!  
Q #2: Q... He's not going to.  
Q: He might!  
Q #3: I still can’t believe you’re so hung up on a mortal. 

(Q is extremely frustrated. He's dealt with the Continuum's teasing too long. He blows up.)

Q: He’s not just a mortal, okay? He’s the captain of the starship Enterprise! He's JEAN-LUC PICARD! There's nothing wrong with me liking him! Maybe there's something wrong with YOU!

(Q storms off.)

Q #4: Geez.  
Q #5: Touchy.

(The lights go down on the whole stage.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A bit of a short scene for you all to kick off Act 2! But I do like Q's ending quote. It sets a tone for the next chapter, which will (warning!) be very angsty.


	12. Act 2 Scene 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Q lets out his feelings for Picard. A Picard clone is involved.

Act 2, Scene 2  
(The stage is blank except for a single chair in the center. We're in the Continuum, but no one's there. After a minute, Q walks on, looking sad, and collapses in the chair.)

Q, quoting Picard: "No. I said... no."

(Q shakes his head.)

Q: I can't believe it! He said no! What am I going to do now?

(He sighs.)

Q: Wait a minute, I'm omnipotent! I can MAKE him say yes!

(Realizes, stands up.)

Q: No, that would be wrong. But... it can't hurt to summon a clone of him to get my feelings out, right? Right?

(Q snaps his fingers.)

Q, summoning Picard: Oh, Jean-Luuuuuc! Come sit down!

(Picard enters, looking in a trance. But this isn't the real Picard, just a clone Q has summoned. He sits down in the chair. Q waves his hand in front of Picard's face. Picard does not react.)

Q: Better make him sentient.

(Q snaps his fingers. Picard blinks and seems to steady himself.)

Q: Jean-Luc, I don't know what to say.

(Picard is silent, just staring straight ahead.)

Q: I should make him say something! Hmm. Maybe something funny! No, that would be immature. No, I'm going to do it.

(Q snaps his fingers.)

Picard: Roses are red, I drink tea from a cup, if you mess with the Enterprise, I'll f-  
Q: Okay, never mind, it's not as funny as I thought it would be. What if I make him say something... EVEN BETTER than that?

(Q gets extremely excited.)

Q: Oh, what should I make him say? How about something nice! About me! Hmm, how about...

(He snaps his fingers. Picard blinks and gazes upon Q with adoration.)

Picard: Q, I have genuine feelings for you. You are the most beautiful entity in the quadrant and I am completely infatuated with you.  
Q: Oh, Jean-Luc, you flatter me. Tell me more.  
Picard: I love you and everything you do. You're perfect and you have never done anything wrong in your extremely long life.

(He brushes his fingers against Q's face. Q is in absolute heaven.)

Picard: I love you so, so, much, Q.

(Q sighs. Despite everything, it's not enough. It's not real and he knows it.)

Q: No, no, no. This is all wrong.

(Q pulls Picard's hand away.)

Q: I've got to be honest. With myself. And with him. But... maybe since I have this clone of him, I might as well use it... unfortunately not for debauchery.

(Beat)

Q: Oh, mon capitaine, the things I could tell you.

MON CAPITAINE

(Q walks around Picard, who is sitting in the chair.)

Q: I paid you a visit last night  
You dreamt of a man cloaked in white  
Confess, I hope that man was me  
So many things you need to see

I don't remember my own birth  
But I remember dawn of Earth  
A planet with such fighting chance  
A planet worthy of my glance

(Q stands behind Picard and puts his hands gently on Picard's shoulders.)

When I met you, I knew you were  
More than the average human blur  
A man of such "Q-ality"  
A man I knew I'd never be

Mon capitaine  
I'd take your hand  
Let's go out into the stars  
I'd take you wherever you want  
I'd take your artificial heart  
Mon capitaine

(Q crosses in front of Picard and sizes him up. He's considering sitting on his lap.)

I've journeyed near and journeyed far  
To every near and furthest star  
I've never met a man like you  
In all my years of being Q

(Q brushes his hand on Picard's face tenderly. Picard does not react; he's barely even sentient.)

Don't understand your human ways  
But I don't want to go away  
No matter what you say or do  
I want to say that-

(Q hesitates.)

I want to say that I-

(He can barely bring himself to say it.)

I want to say that I love you

(There, he's said it.)

So fly your ship into the night  
I'll do my job to clear your flight  
Wish I was on that ship with you  
But you're a man and I'm a Q

(Q clings onto Picard desperately.)

Mon capitaine  
I'd take your hand  
Let's go out into the stars  
I'd take you wherever you want  
I'd take your artificial heart  
I don't deserve your heart, I know  
But I wish that you would know  
I'm better than I sometimes seem  
I'd follow you  
I just want you to tolerate me  
Mon capitaine

(The lights go down on Q as he clutches Picard.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is easily the angstiest scene so far (but there's one more, so get ready). Fun fact: I'm on draft 2 of the sheet music for this song and will hopefully have it up on my blog soon!  
> Yes, I made Q say the word "quality" like "Q-ality" for the sake of rhythm.   
> You're in for a whole lot next scene! Two songs and a lot of truth...  
> What did you think of this rather melodramatic scene? :)


	13. Act 2 Scene 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Q pays Picard a visit. It doesn't end well.

Act 2, Scene 3  
(We're in Picard's quarters. There is a bed and a table with several books on it. Picard is sitting at the end of his bed reading "A Midsummer Night's Dream".)

Picard, reading from "A Midsummer Night's Dream": "I love thee not, therefore pursue me not."

(Q enters the room. Picard notices him.)

Picard: Not now, Q. I'm reading.

(Q sits down on the bed beside Picard.)

Q: Reading can wait. I’ve got something to tell you.  
Picard: Mon dieu. What is it this time?  
Q: I’ve got a very important job, you know, Jean-Luc. I have a day to convince you that you’re wrong and that you want me to turn you into a Q.  
Picard: Do your worst.

(Q stands. As he does so, the other Qs of the Continuum enter on either side.)

JEAN-LUC  
Q: Hello, Jean-Luc, my dear old friend.

Picard: Did you just call me old? Because you're millions of years older than me, and-

Q: It's high time we meet again  
There's a lot of things I need to tell you  
Even though you don't want to become a Q  
You bring out the best in me

Picard: The WORST

Q: You're perplexing  
You're all I need  
Jean-Luc

Other Qs: Jean-Luc, Jean-Luc

Q: You explore the galaxy  
I found you and you found me  
Jean-Luc

Other Qs: Jean-Luc, Jean-Luc

Picard: Q, this is too much. Please stop singing.

Q: No, I won't stop singing  
I just wanna say you mean a lot to me,  
Jean-Luc

Other Qs: Jean-Luc, Jean-Luc

Q: Like Darmok needs Jalad  
Q needs Picard  
Jean-Luc

Other Qs: Jean-Luc. Jean-Luc

Q: Look, Jean-Luc, I know we've had hard times  
We've been through things with no reason or rhyme  
I know you might not like me, but hear me out  
There's a lot of things I need to tell you about  
You mean to me more than I can say  
I wouldn't have it any other way

Picard: Q, listen to me and listen to me now  
You like me a lot and I'm not sure why or how  
If you like me that much, you'll do what I say  
I told you no, now go away

Q: Oh, this isn't even about your decision anymore!  
I want to tell you, you're special to me  
You're a lovely man, I'd take your hand  
Jean-Luc

Other Qs: Jean-Luc, Jean-Luc

Q: You make me glad  
I drive you mad  
Jean-Luc

Other Qs: Jean-Luc, Jean-Luc

Q: Tu es un homme bon  
Ooh la la  
Jean-Luc

Other Qs: Jean-Luc, Jean-Luc

Picard: Really, Q, stop mocking me.

Q: Oh Jean-Luc, I don't mean to mock  
I just want you to-

Picard: NO NO NO STOP THAT SENTENCE RIGHT NOW

Q: I was just going to say something about Spock!

Picard: I don't believe you

Q: Hahaha!

Other Qs: Hahaha!

Q: Jean-Luc

Other Qs: Jean-Luc, Jean-Luc

Q: We have a lot of fun  
When it's all said and done  
Jean-Luc

Other Qs: Jean-Luc, Jean-Luc

Q: Jean-Luc, I can't tell you how  
Much I care about you now  
You're the best human I know  
I just love it when you say "Make it so"!

Picard: Q, understand, this is all too much  
You've got caught up in the such and such  
You're under the wrong impression yet again  
We're nothing more, not even friends

Q: You're lying to me  
There's more to us,  
Jean-Luc

Other Qs: Jean-Luc, Jean-Luc

Q: I like your face  
Let's explore space  
Jean-Luc

Other Qs: Jean-Luc, Jean-Luc

Picard: Q-

Q: You're my favorite guy  
You make me high  
You're the best mortal ever  
You are a treasure  
You're so calm and good  
Say yes, you should  
I think you're great  
You're my best mate  
Let me turn you into a Q  
I think I love you  
Jean-Luc!

Picard: Q!

(Q snaps out of it. The other Qs exit offstage.)

Q: What is it?  
Picard: I think you’re misunderstanding something. Even if I did like you, I still wouldn’t want you to turn me into a Q.  
Q: Why not?  
Picard: Because, well, I’m a human. And I’d prefer to stay that way.  
Q: Why in the universe would you want to stay human? I was human once for a few days- those were the worst days of my life!

(Picard stands.)

WHAT MAKES ME HUMAN  
Picard:  
Listen, Q, to what I have to say  
It's been a long time coming  
I wouldn't have it any other way  
Being human is... well, it's something

Us humans are complex beings  
We have our problems, it's true  
It's easy to underestimate us  
We're worlds different from the Q

I don't think you understand what makes me human  
You're a stubborn, stubborn man, Q  
I don't think you understand  
I'm just a human man  
And that's why I'll never be a Q

I'm human and I love it  
Yes, Q, I said I love it  
Us mortals might be mortal  
But you'll find no better people

We die at the end of the day  
Like all good mortals do  
We have no wish to be  
Anything like you, a Q

I don't think you understand what makes me human  
You're a stubborn, stubborn man, Q  
I don't think you understand  
I'm just a human man  
And that's why I'll never be a Q

Q, you've just got to accept it  
Humans are great, you've got to respect it  
We're not quite perfect but, well, we're trying  
You're set in your ways but I'm not lying  
We're not the best at being the worst  
We've eliminated things like hunger and thirst  
We might be mortal, but we're more than our deaths  
Once you strip away our flaws, we've got something left

Q: Ugh, Jean-Luc, I just don't get it  
You mortals are terrible and I'll never forget it  
At the end of the day, the whole point of mortals is death  
Once you strip away their life, they've got nothing left

Picard:   
Yes, and that's why-  
I don't think you understand what makes me human  
You're a stubborn, stubborn man, Q  
I don't think you understand  
I'm just a human man  
And that's why I'll never be a Q  
And that's why I'll never be a Q

Q: Excellent. Not only do you hate me, you’re attached to this foolish notion that being human is superior.  
Picard: I never said it was superior. I just said that I don’t want to be a Q.

(The two sit down on his bed again.)

Q: If you liked me, would you do it?  
Picard: Q, not this again.  
Q: No, really! I need to know!

(Picard sighs.)

Picard: Perhaps.  
Q: Is it because I’m not a woman? Because I can turn into a woman for you. I happen to be a very good woman.   
Picard: Q, it's not like that.  
Q: I just don't understand!  
Picard: Shall I speak more frankly?  
Q: Please.  
Picard: From the instant I met you, you have been antagonistic, overbearing, and demeaning. You’ve put me on trial for the crimes of humanity. You’ve made me play out a Robin Hood fantasy scenario just because you were jealous of my girlfriend. And most of all, you introduced us to the Borg, which resulted in the deaths of several important members of our crew!  
Q: First of all, humanity is awful. You had it coming. Second, I was not jealous of your girlfriend!

(Thinks about it.)

Q: Okay, maybe I was a bit jealous of your girlfriend. And third of all, if I hadn’t introduced you to the Borg, you wouldn’t have been nearly as prepared for the oncoming battles! You’d probably all be assimilated by now! 

(Q gets an idea.)

Q: And besides, what if none of that ever happened? Because I can make that happen. I can erase all of that. Brand new Q!  
Picard: Q, you don’t understand. Even if we started over, even if you erased all my memories of you, I still would hate you with a vengeance. You’re insufferable and petulant, incorrigible and annoying. You think you’re superior to everyone. The only reason you want to turn me into a Q is because, despite everything, you can’t stand the thought of yourself liking a mortal!   
Q: Now, hold on, Jean-Luc!  
Picard: Damn it, Q, I won’t ‘hold on’! I’ve suffered at your hands on numerous occasions, and I’m certain I still haven’t seen the last of you and your pathetic need to bend everyone to your will. 

(Picard thinks of something.)

Picard: Hold on, Q. I just thought of something. Why haven’t you just manipulated me into doing what you want? You can do that, can’t you? Why haven’t you just made me say yes?

(Q thinks of it, too. He remembers his clone of Picard and contemplating sitting on his lap. He's very glad, in this moment, that he didn't actually do it. OR IS HE??? No, stop thinking about that, Q.)

Q: It... wouldn’t be right. I want you to say yes on your own terms.

(Q gets up the nerve to hold Picard's hand, and holds it in the air between them, tightly. Picard freezes up.)

Q: I keep telling myself, and I keep telling the Continuum, you’re not just another mortal. You... you matter to me. I’ve never felt like this for anyone else. I... Jean-Luc, I...

(Picard jerks away from him. He can't believe the liberties Q is taking. He's enraged. But Q just doesn't get it!)

Picard: Get your hands off me, Q! I know you. This is all just a ruse so you can get me to do what you want. What are you putting me on trial for this time, Q? What is it now?

(Picard stands up.)

Picard: GET OUT!

(Q stands. For a second, he just stands there, shocked. Then he walks out. Before he's fully offstage, he takes a look back at Picard. Then, he hurries offstage. The lights go down on Picard.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This might be the longest scene yet. And it was a very chaotic scene, at that!  
> I know you can't hear it obviously because I don't have the audio up yet, but "Jean-Luc" is the same tune as an earlier song, "Hey Q". There are two parallel songs like that. The other one of them is the closing song, which parallels the opening song. Is that a spoiler? Maybe a bit ;) .   
> What did you think of this scene? :)


	14. Act 2 Scene 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Q takes some time to think about his feelings for Picard.

Act 2, Scene 4  
(We're at the Q Continuum again. The stage is blank, except for a large chair in the center, where our Q sits. The other Qs surround him.)

Q #2: Well? Did he say yes now?

(They know he did not say yes.)

Q, miserably: He said no. Again! No, he did worse than just say no. He... he despises me. He probably thinks I’m the worst thing to happen to the universe.  
Q #3: Well, it’s not as if we didn’t warn you.  
Q #4: Qs and mortals just don’t get along.  
Q #5: It’s just the way of things.  
Q: I know that’s how things are supposed to be- but I don’t care! I care about him! I know you can’t possibly understand that, but I really, truly do. I might show it in ways that are strange to him, but I do!  
Q #2: You kind of had it coming, Q.  
Q, frustrated: Just go, all of you! I need time alone.

(Reluctantly, the other Qs leave. Our Q stands and looks out at the audience.)

Q, pleading: Don't you understand?

(beat)

Q: ...don't you?

I CAN'T DIE (AND YOU CAN'T LIVE WITH ME)  
Q: Humans are so simple, so fantastically dull  
That's what the Continuum has told me since I was small  
They spend their whole lives waiting and just waiting for a sign  
That their lives are worthy as an entity like mine

But sometimes I see humans and I can't help but to think  
That maybe being a Q hasn't pushed me to the brink  
Maybe humans aren't that bad and I am just a bit strange  
Maybe it's time the Continuum has to make a change

Will this ever be more than fantasy?  
Cause I can't die and you can't live with me

It's all so embarrassing how I've fallen down this hole  
I think the cost of this wondering will have to be my soul  
You see, you give me feelings that cause me to feel alone  
I can't explain the way you make me feel, they things you've shown

I'm omnipotent, all-knowing, and I know I'll never die  
I'm happy but when I think of you I can't help but heave a sigh  
Is living forever worth it if you'll live without a heart?  
Somehow I hope that you and I will never be apart

Will this ever be more than fantasy?  
Cause I can't die and you can't live with me

But you hate everything that I do, the way that I exist  
Whenever I leave the Enterprise, I know I won't be missed  
I irritate you with my face and my mischievous ways  
You make sure without me is how you'll plan to spend your days

Will this ever be more than fantasy?  
Cause I can't die and you can't live with me

I know you'll never say these words, so I'll say them myself  
"I care about you, Q, like I care about myself  
Let's live forever, live together, Q and Jean-Luc Picard"  
I never knew admitting this would have to be hard 

Will this ever be more than fantasy  
Cause I can't die and you can't live with me  
Oh will this ever be more than fantasy  
Cause I can't die and you can't live with me

Cause I can't die but I can't live without you.

(The lights go down on Q.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another rather angsty scene for you! Did you know that, not including this scene, we only have three scenes left? I can't believe it! Next scene is what I'll call the preparation before the final battle, as it were.  
> If you haven't heard, I've posted a video of a playthrough of the sheet music for "Mon Capitaine"! Here's the link. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2EdRXz3iTKs&t=14s  
> What did you think of the scene?


	15. Act 2 Scene 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Picard holds one last meeting with his senior staff before the three days are up.

Act 2, Scene 5  
(We're in the observation lounge of the Enterprise. Picard and the senior staff are holding a rather unofficial meeting.)

Picard: Thank you all for being here. You know you don't have to be here if you don't want to be.  
Crusher: We're here because we care about you, Jean-Luc.  
Riker: You're our captain, after all.  
Troi: And because we don't want Q to take advantage of you any further.  
Data: We are "here for you", captain.  
Picard: The time is almost up. In a few minutes, I'll have to give Q my final decision. ...and that decision will be "no".  
Worf: So... what is the problem, exactly?  
La Forge: Yeah- you're just going to tell him no. What's the problem there?  
Troi, knowingly: You're afraid of how Q will react.  
Picard: It's... not like that.

(Sighs)

Picard: ...it's exactly like that.  
Riker, ominously: Tell him no... and Worf will take it from there.  
Data: What will you do, Mr. Worf?  
Worf: I will tell him that unless he goes away of his own free will, I will make him go away... 

(threateningly)

Worf: ...by force.  
Picard: Q is omnipotent. If he gets angry enough when I say no, he could quite literally kill us all with a thought.   
Crusher: He's had every chance to do that... but he hasn't.  
Troi: It’s like he's all-powerful but somehow he's not quite smart enough to know that.  
Picard: Exactly!  
Troi: Captain, may I speak freely?  
Picard: Of course, counselor.   
Troi: If you're not worried that Q will harm you or us because you said no, are you concerned for him... in an emotional sense?  
Picard, reluctantly: For some odd reason, I'm concerned, and I know how mad it sounds, about how Q feels.  
Troi: He's certainly concerned about you.  
Picard: He's billions of years old, but somehow he's like a child! I can't help but pity him. For some reason, although he's hurt us in the past, I don't... I don't necessarily want to see him unhappy. I just want him to see the error in his ways, that's all I want!  
Crusher: You want an apology.  
Picard: I think he owes me that much!  
Data: Are you sure he will do that?  
Worf: Of course he won't. He is without honor.  
Riker: He’s without a lot of things.  
Troi: Well, whatever happens, captain, we'll back you up.  
La Forge: That's damn right. You're our captain, and we're not going to let Q take advantage of you.  
Picard: Thank you. All of you.  
Crusher: Are you ready to say no to Q?  
Picard: You know... I think I am.

(They all cheer and begin to leave the observation lounge as the lights go down.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Short scene for you- the next two scenes are much longer, so I decided to keep this one pretty brief. In the next scene, the three days Q was given to turn Picard into a Q run out, so get ready. ;)  
> One last time in the notes, I'll plug the playthrough of "Mon Capitaine": https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2EdRXz3iTKs&t=14s .   
> Also on sheet music notes, I'm getting close to finishing with "I Can't Die (And You Can't Live With Me)" from the last scene. I'll post the link to a playthrough on one of the upcoming scenes.


	16. Act 2 Scene 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The time is up, and Q has to face Picard's decision.

Act 2, Scene 6  
(We're finally on the bridge of the starship Enterprise. The senior staff are all on the bridge at their positions. Picard stands by his chair, Q standing by him.)

Q: This is it, Jean-Luc. You have mere minutes to change your mind and let me turn you into a Q.   
Picard: Q... I'm not going to change my mind.  
Q: You still have one minute left!  
Data: Actually, fifty-three point five seconds.  
Q, sarcastically: Thanks, Data.  
Picard: Q, please just give it up.   
Q: Please, Jean-Luc! You won't regret it!   
Data: Forty-five point two seconds.  
Picard: You're just going to be disappointed in the end, Q.  
Q: You still have a chance to say yes, Jean-Luc!   
Picard: I have the chance, but really, I've never had the will. I would say I'm flattered that you want to turn me into a Q, but considering all that you've done with your power... no. I'd never want that, never.  
Data: Twenty six point three seconds left, Captain.  
Picard: Why do you want to turn me into a Q, anyway?   
Q: Ever since I met you, I knew there was something special about you! You're so eager to explore the universe. You're so passionate about the things and people you care about. You've made my life better from the moment I met you. I... I admire you greatly. I know I might show it in strange ways, but-   
Data, with finality: Zero.

(Q is distraught. He knew, deep down, that this moment would come, but he just can't accept it.)

Q: No!

(Picard feels almost sorry for Q in this moment.)

Picard: Q...  
Q, bitterly: I understand. No matter how much I care, it'll never be enough. Qs and mortals just don't get along. It's just the way of things.

(Q snaps his fingers once. There is a bright flash of light, and then there is darkness. During this darkness, Q goes downstage center, "in front" of the Enterprise's bridge.)

(The lights come up. Everyone is in their positions still. Q is downstage. Although we, the audience, can see Q, no one else can.)

Riker: Where'd he go?  
Q: Somewhere where you can't see me.  
Troi: Did somebody say something?  
Picard: Can you pick up Q on the sensors?  
Worf: Picking up Q on the sensors has always been difficult, Captain.  
Picard: So there's no sign of him?  
Worf: Affirmative.

(No one knows what to do with themselves. Q stands there, also not quite knowing what to do with himself. Then, from either side, the other members of the Q Continuum enter. Q begins to sing.)

Q:   
If I were human, I'd be crying  
Everything hurts and I'm done trying  
I gave it my best shot, but it wasn't enough  
How do mortals live through this stuff?

Q:  
Q the failure  
Q the weak  
Q the yearning  
Q the freak

The other Qs, Picard, senior staff:  
He disappeared in a bright white light  
The universe was too much for him  
He disappeared in a bright white light  
Never to be seen again

Q:  
This is it, this is how I go  
I tried to do it, couldn't make it so  
Whenever I try to open up this happens  
Embarrassment, humiliation, all the trappings

Q:  
Q the ruined  
Q the dumb  
Q the idiot  
Q is done

The other Qs, Picard, senior staff:  
He disappeared in a bright white light  
The universe was too much for him  
He disappeared in a bright white light  
Never to be seen again

Q:  
I should have never tried at all  
In all my pride, here is my fall  
Shut me up, tell me to hush  
I got caught up in the emotional rush

Q:  
Q the desperate  
Q in fear  
Q the hoping  
Q the...  
Q the....

The other Qs, Picard, senior staff:  
He disappeared in a bright white light  
The universe was too much for him  
He disappeared in a bright white light  
Never to be seen again  
Never to be seen again  
Never, never, never  
Never

(The lights go down)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, this is the culmination of Picard's decision- Q disappearing from the Enterprise... for good?  
> Of course not for good! There's one more scene left! Stay tuned. :)  
> How did you like this scene?  
> (Also, it took all of my self-restraint to leave out the line "Q the queer". For better or for worse?)


	17. Act 2 Scene 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Qsical comes to an end.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's a pretty long scene for you! Two songs and a fair bit of dialogue. I told you there'd be a song mirroring "The Continuum Song", so here it is! I hope you enjoy this final scene of The Qsical.

Act 2, Scene 7  
(The lights come up on the bridge of the starship Enterprise. Everything is the same as the previous scene, but Q and the rest of the Continuum are gone, not just to the eyes of Picard and the senior staff, but to our eyes as well.)

Picard: Well, I do think this is the last we'll see of Q.

(There is a loud noise and everyone startles. All the lights suddenly go off.)

Picard: What in the hell?!?!

(The lights suddenly come up, revealing that Q is now on the bridge.)

Q, spreading his arms widely and dramatically: I'M BAAAAACK!

(Picard facepalms. Q is more invigorated than ever.)

Q: Did you miss me?  
Picard: You were only gone for a few minutes.  
Q: So you DID miss me!  
Picard: I suppose I thought I wouldn't see you again after I said no.  
Q: You thought I was gone for good? Oh, Jean-Luc, I could never really leave you! That's what's so great about you!  
Picard: Why are you back?  
Q: Well, I had a long talk with the Continuum-  
Data: You were only gone for two minutes and twenty one point five seconds.  
Q: Linear time doesn't progress the same way for us as it does for you. It's one of the perks of being a Q.

(He smiles winningly.)

Q: The Continuum has some good news for you, Jean-Luc.  
Picard: I told you, I don 't want to become a Q.   
Q: We've made a compromise I think you'll like.  
Picard: As long as it doesn't involve marrying you.  
Q: Hahaha, no, that would be crazy.

(beat)

Q: ...unless?

(Picard gives him a warning look.)

Q: Fine, fine.

HONORARY Q  
Q: Do you ever wonder why  
All of these things came by?  
Is this universe a place where you'd like to live?  
Well, as an honorary Q, it'll be all 'take' and no 'give'  
Sometimes things are worse than they seem  
And being human is less than a dream

Q: So I'm gonna give you another option, too  
You'll be more than human, you'll be an honorary Q

Picard:  
Q, what does this mean?  
Are you sure?  
You're insane, to be sure  
Are you certain that this is right?  
Maybe just wait a night?

Q: Oh this isn't crazy  
I'm fine  
I've my made up my mind

Q: The Q Continuum has made a decision, too  
You'll be more than human, you'll be an honorary Q

Picard: What does honorary Q even mean?

Q: I'm glad you asked.  
I know you'd be upset at me if I made you omnipotent or immortal. So instead, I'll give you a better gift. A telepathic connection with the Q Continuum! Starting... now!

(Picard covers his ears and tenses up.)

Picard: Mon dieu! This is horrible! How do you live like this, with all these cacophonous voice in your head?

Q: Oh, you'll get used to it. Maybe you'll even learn a thing or two. Anyway, you can turn it off. Just picture yourself flipping a switch, and it'll go away.

(Picard uncovers his ears and appears more relaxed.)

Picard: That was horrible. Why is this a gift, exactly?

Q: Because now you have a connection with the Continuum! A connection with ME, Jean-Luc! Whenever you want, you can communicate with me! We can talk all the time! Here, I'll think something at you, and you can tell me if you received it. 

(Q makes a face like he's thinking.)

Picard, scandalized: Q!

Q, innocently: Oh dear me. Sorry, wrong thought. But that doesn't matter! We'll be best friends! No, better than best friends!

Picard: Don't push it, Q.

Q: Sorry.

Q: No need to thank me for what I've done  
It's just a gift, just many of one  
When you become one with the Q  
You'll do better things than other mortals do

Picard:   
Now that I'm linked with the Continuum, it's true  
I'll have the knowledge of the Q  
Think of the good that I'll do  
Since I have a connection with you

Q: Well, what do you say, Picard, now that it's just me and you  
You're now more than human, you're an honorary Q

Q: Well, Jean-Luc, how does it feel?

Picard: It feels strange and very real

Q: Are you sure you don't want me to give you more powers?  
You could be 800 feet fall or topple towers

Picard: This is enough, trust me, Q  
This is a big enough thing to do

Q: What if-

Picard, warningly: No, Q.

Q: Fine

Picard: With your knowledge I have years  
Of information in my ears  
I know what time was like before Earth existed  
And if I want it to be gone, I simply flip the switch! and the burden will be lifted

Picard: I might not be glad to be closer to you  
Like it or not, I'm an honorary Q

Q: The Continuum has gained a new Q  
And I can't imagine the trouble we'll get into  
Q and Q  
Q and Q

Q and Picard:   
Q and Q

Q: Now you have an invaluable connection with the Q Continuum. Who even knows what you can accomplish with our knowledge!  
Picard: I suppose this is the part where I say thank you.  
Q: Oh, no need. You'll never come up with a thank you good enough for the Continuum. Consider it done.  
Picard: No, I do want to say something. 

(He pauses.)

Picard: Q, you and I have our differences. We think in different ways. You've done things I would never dream of doing. You have... a very different personality than me. We'll never agree on some things. Well, really, most things. You think badly of us humans. But I can try to see where you're coming from. You've always thought yourself better than mortals. We must seem so powerless to you. You're omnipotent, immortal. You've lived for millennia.  
Q, interrupting: My eyes.  
Picard, confused: What?  
Q: My eyes are pretty great, too.  
Picard: Good Lord, Q, I'm not trying to give you compliments. I'm just trying to say that after everything you've done to me and my crew, I think I've gained an understanding of you. And now that I have a connection with the Q Continuum... well, I think we should try to make peace.   
Q: Oh my Continuum! Jean-Luc Picard just said he loves me!  
Picard: I did NOT say I love you.  
Q: Close enough.  
Picard: Look, Q. I'm saying that I want to try to get along with you. Are you in or not?

(Q gets very excited.)

Q: Of course I'm in, mon capitaine!  
Picard: There's just one thing I need to hear from you.  
Q: Do you want me to compliment you too? Because I can compliment you for hours on end.

(Q clears his throat and gets ready to compliment Picard. He's got a million compliments ready. But Picard interrupts him.)

Picard: First of all, what I said just now wasn't meant to be complimentary. Secondly, I really don't want to know what sort of compliments you have for me. Thirdly, what I want you to say is an apology.  
Q: An apology?  
Picard: Yes. For trying to coerce me into giving up my mortal life just so you would feel better about your feelings for me. And for giving me an immensely stressful three days.  
Q: I'm sorry.

(Picard is shocked. He wasn't expecting Q to apologize this quickly or easily.)

Picard, with caution: Really? You're really sorry?  
Q: I admit it. I made a mistake in trying to turn you into a Q. I should have known that you're happy with your life as a mortal. Some things just aren't meant to be. And if I can't deal with something as simple as that, what kind of immortal, omnipotent being am I?

(There's silence for a moment.)

Picard: Q, I know this isn't how you'd like things to be. If you had your way, we'd both be immortal and married.  
Q, giving it one last shot: You can still say yes!  
Picard: Q...  
Q: Sorry.  
Picard: But we can start somewhere. As...  
Q: Best friends? Oh, please say best friends!  
Picard: I was going to say acquaintances.  
Q: I suppose we've got to start somewhere. 

(They both turn to the audience as the music begins.)

THE ME AND Q SONG  
Q: Hello, you, my name is Q  
I do whatever I wanna do  
I'm immortal, omnipotent, and all-knowing  
I go wherever the wind is blowing  
I'm the definition of mischievous   
Incorrigible, terrible, and devious  
I have an odd fascination with humanity  
Rather than the Borg, Cardassians, Bajorans, or even the Ferengi  
I'm not a good example of an all-powerful entity

Picard:  
This might be hard  
But my name's Picard  
I'm the captain of the Enterprise  
I'm a human, an officer, and a Frenchman  
I always try to be more than or best than  
I'm the definition of ambitious  
I try to fulfill my every wishes  
And one of them is making peace with Q

Q and Picard:  
This is the me and Q song  
We have a lot of problems but we get along  
No matter what you say, or try, or do  
It's me and, me and, me and, me and Q

Q: I admit, I've done you wrong  
We can't fix this in a single song  
It means a lot to me that you're doing all this  
The only thing that would be better would be if we were to-

Picard: Q!!!

Q: I know it must be hard to understand  
I think you're the best mortal in the land  
You're better than other mortals, really you are  
You set the standard and you raise the bar

Picard, modestly: Q, I'm no different than any other mortal.

Q: No! You're better! I don't know how many times I have to tell you, you're great! You can't possibly understand how embarrassing it is for me to say that, but it's true!

Picard: I understand that you like me  
And I'm proud that you've come around on humanity

Q: I never said that!

Picard: Yes, you said that!

Q: Fine!

Q and Picard:  
This is the me and Q song  
We have a lot of problems but we get along  
No matter what you say, or try, or do  
It's me and, me and, me and, me and Q

Q: Now we're somewhat alike- we have this link  
And you need only do more than think  
And I'll be there, sharing thoughts with you  
And you'll be my honorary Q

(The other Qs of the Continuum enter.)

Picard, irritated: Q...

Q: What?

Picard: You said "MY" honorary Q.

Q: I meant "A" honorary Q. Or even "THE" honorary Q, since there's only one of you.

Picard: Never mind.

Q #2: Q, a reminder, you're on thin ice

Q #3: I know that all of this might seem nice

Q #4: It was us who decided and not you

Q #5: To turn Picard into an honorary Q

Q: Qs! It's okay! Everything's fine! It's okay that I like Picard, because he's a Q! Sort of.

Troi: Ahem.

(Everyone turns to Troi and the rest of the senior staff, who have left their positions to crowd around Q and Picard.)

Troi: I don't want to rain on your parade, Q  
But Picard is our captain, too

La Forge: She's got a point, about Picard  
Being a captain and a Q might be hard

Picard: Number one, I want you to make a report to Starfleet telling them about my new connection with the Q Continuum.

Riker: Captain Jean-Luc Picard, consider it done  
No matter what, I'll always be your number one

Data: Captain, I know that humans often ask this question during moments like this.

Picard: Yes, Data?

Data: How... do you feel?

Picard: Thank you, Data, I appreciate that. I feel... I feel fine.

Worf: To be blunt, captain, I am not pleased  
You seem to have accepted your new role with ease  
I hope after this change, you will remain you  
And not become just another Q

Picard: No need to worry, lieutenant. I can promise that I won't sacrifice my integrity now that I'm linked with the Q. 

Crusher: Jean-Luc, for you, this is a big step  
This might start your biggest journey yet  
I'll stand by your side, as your friend  
Though you're almost a Q, our friendship won't end

Q: I can see that you have some good friends, Jean-Luc.

(He is getting a little emotional.)

Q: Must be nice.

Picard: Q, I don't feel comfortable calling you my friend  
And your relationship with me I can't even comprehend  
But I'm willing to pay the considerable price  
To take your hand-

(Q, very excited about this development, tries to take Picard's hand, but Picard pulls away)

Picard: -METAPHORICALLY, and try to be nice

Q: Thank you, Jean-Luc. That means a lot.  
One more time?

Picard: One more time.

Q and Picard:   
This is the me and Q song  
We have a lot of problems but we get along  
No matter what you say, or try, or do  
It's me and, me and, me and, me and

Q, Picard, senior staff:  
It's me and, me and, me and, me and

All (Q, Picard, senior staff, Q Continuum):  
It's me and, me and, me and, me and Q!

(Q hugs Picard, and at first Picard just kind of stands there, but after a moment (perhaps Q has thought something at him) he hugs Q back.)

(The lights go down on the scene. Curtain falls.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, this is the end of The Qsical! I had a great time writing this.  
> But this is really just the beginning, because I've only just begun to post the sheet music! You can find behind-the-scenes stuff, sheet music videos, and more at #qsical on the tumblr @qhasbpdandthatsokay (yes, it's a weird blog name, I know) and the YouTube channel "Saša Q". I've had a great time sharing this with you! My goal is one day to put this on for real on an actual stage.
> 
> Here is the sheet music playthrough (albeit a bare-bones one) for "I Can't Die (And You Can't Live With Me)"! : https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cfMSI4n8Ow8
> 
> I'd love to hear what you thought of The Qsical now that it's over! It's been a pleasure. :)

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! I would love if you would tell me what you think of The Qsical and left a comment. :)


End file.
